Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
