Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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