so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
