Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
