Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
