So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
