it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
