apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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