i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
