She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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