How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
