I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
