I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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