just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
