My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
