woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
