Can i not drive my cunt home
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
