Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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