Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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