My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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