it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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