People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
