Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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