i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
