I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
