She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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