I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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