Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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