You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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