do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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