my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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