she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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