How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
