Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.