Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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