It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible