Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
