Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
