Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
