When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
