I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Randomize
