Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
