I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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