R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
