Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
