update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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