Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
