I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
