the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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