i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
