Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
