I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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