you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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