I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
