Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you will always have a special place in my vag
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
