So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think im going to throw up on grandma
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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