your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
