If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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