Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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