i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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