my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
