I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
