Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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