i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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